What he said surprised me. He said something like this, “We are not responsible for each others feelings. We choose our feelings.” He continued, “Most people don’t get this until they are about 50 years old and some people never get it.”
But he said that if people would get it, it would help relationships immensely.
You may not like this, but thoughts cause feelings. If you can really step back and look at your thoughts, which is kind of hard – it’s the difference between being in a river and being pummelled by the water vs. being on the banks of the river and watching the water go by – you will likely see that you are allowing negative thoughts about whatever situation/person/parenting thing you are thinking about
Is it possible that there is something that you don’t understand, that, if you did, it might change your opinion?
Here is an example from Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits book:
“I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.
Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.
The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.
It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt like was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what do think, and I guess they don’t know who to handle it either.”
Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.”
Our thoughts cause our feelings.
Curate thoughts carefully.
And learn not to blame anyone else for your thoughts or feelings.
Don’t just let your thoughts/feelings flow without your permission and sculpting.
